A month ago I was meditating and an impression came forward that I should share my struggle with letting go of my attachment to physical things and places (Kelowna). I haven't been able to write about it because I just could not articulate my experience yet. When I went to Bikram Teacher Training, I did not set out to "give up" the material for some higher spirituality. I really just wanted to do the yoga! To go to Teacher Training I had to leave my job. To get the teaching experience I had to leave my home in Kelowna. When I started this journey of self realization over five years ago, it was all just to get through the clutter of my mind. It seems that for me to hear my own inner voice, I had to let go of attachments to things one by one. Let go of this....okay now I hear a bit better....let go of that....okay, I feel a little bit more at peace. I think I'm getting closer. Bit by bit, step by step my life has shifted. I'm starting to feel like a yogi! I never started out thinking it was something I had to or needed to do. So when I found myself here in Ottawa, my finances drained....teaching yoga...not having a place of my own...feeling disconnected....I started to struggle.
A month ago I was inspired by an Oprah program I found online in which she interviewed Hollywood movie director Tom Shadyac about his new Documentary I Am. That show really started to wake me up and started a shift. I connected strongly to what he was saying (and can't wait to see the film.) Yet, I still found it hard to talk about. I was experiencing similar realizations but not feeling confident in where it was all going. (Here is a link to the article on Oprah's website: Tom Shadyac From Millionaire to Mobile Home)
Then, during Tuesday night's Lifeclass (I LOVE Oprah), Iyanla talked about what is most often under our anger is fear and hurt. She said that often we get angry and scared when we lose things...people, relationships, houses, cars, jobs, money. She talked about her anger having lost her daughter and her own realization that she was attached to the physical form of her daughter. In her heart she knew that her daughter's spirit would always be with her and that they would never be apart and that opened the door to her healing. She shared how she had to release her attachment to the physicality of her daughter and other things in her life. In that moment, she came across the computer screen like she was speaking directly to me she said "Just release the physicality." Wow! I am still experiencing the power of that today.
My life has evolved in a direction that I would never have expected. I have let go of things bit by bit...not all at once...yet at times, my mind still struggles to keep up with it all. My future is completely open and unknown to me. Letting go of a concept of what my life was or should be and all of the physical things that went along with has been a challenge. Slowly, and with lots of yoga to help with the process...my attachments have diminished. As Iyanla recommends....when I sit with the fear or hurt and just invite it in and just feel it, we find the truth. I realized that mine is based on the belief that somehow my things, my life will keep me safe and protect me from pain/discomfort/death ....any negative experience you can think up. When I question my beliefs behind the fear, I see that they are false. Last night, listening to the program the words "Just release the physicality" pierced right through my heart and into my soul.
This week I feel lighter and happier than I have in a long time. I could write and write about how then Cheryl Richardson's Lifeclass provided amazing advice about changing your underlying beliefs. Wow! Too perfect! I am so excited about how this will help me with teaching and practicing Bikram Yoga, too...just release the physicality! So brilliant! I will save that for another time.
Namaste Oprah!
Colleen
Namaste Oprah!
Colleen
Glad to read a new post from you! I must admit that I don't quite understand everything you talked about. When you speak of attachments, are they material things? Mental things? I know I'm bad at letting go of stuff... if I do, then I'll have nothing, right? Anyway, it was interesting to read. Be well and stay strong!
ReplyDeleteHi Mark! Sorry that my writing was a bit confusing. I guess I was just a little over excited last week! LOL Yes, when I speak of attachments, mostly they are material things...but not only material things. I used to have a house and all of the stuff that fills a house. When I gave that up, I actually felt pretty good. Those things were starting to be a burden for me. (So much to keep up!)
ReplyDeleteGiving up my job was the next big step. But, I wasn't really happy there anyway so I was able to let go...even though the loss of security was a challenge. But, the final step of giving up my apt and the last few things I owned was really challenging. I really loved my little apt in Kelowna and my life there!! Giving that up was hard!! Not having anyplace at all to call my own was (and still is) the biggest challenge. I just did not feel safe. I felt so vulnerable. I was kind of trusting that life would take care of me somehow...but really nervous that maybe I was wrong. I think in the blog last week, when I heard "release the physicality" it was about the attachment to physical things, places, spaces. Attaching the the physical world instead of the spiritual or service of others. I know that I am the happiest and at peace when my life is very simple and I am somehow serving others. The fear that without my own place, things, money, a normal job...something bad will happen. It is very deeply ingrained. It takes time to release that fear. Hope this helps clarify.
Now, I'm going to switch over and check out your blog to see what you've been up to lately. ;-)
P.S. I still really want to get my own apt again sometime soon! Just clarifying that point. I just don't wan't be to "attached" to it all.
Hi! You've not written since this post. Hope all is well!
ReplyDelete