Week 6 - A Breakthrough

Savasana

So many days I could not imagine making it through to week 6, but here I am...about to start week 7!! Unless you are here, experiencing the craziness of this amazing training, it is hard to understand.  So many ups and downs, not only each week, but within each day.


This week, I had my official breakdown day....or...what I prefer to call my breakthrough day!  Years of fear, insecurity, worry, hurt, etc. combined here with fatigue, tension, a relentless schedule, lots of deep yoga... so many emotions had built up to a point where I just could not hold it together anymore.  With the support from my friend (and visiting Bikram teacher) Deb Small, I had a good letting go cry.  What Oprah calls, the big, ugly cry.  Not just a gentle tear, running down the cheek.  No, this was the big, ugly cry...uncontrollable.  I cried on Deb's shoulder, in front of lots of people!  I cried on and off most of the day.  Even while eating dinner....tears would just spontaneously roll down my face.  Now, for most of us, it is not easy to cry.  We have been conditioned to believe that crying is a sign of weakness and that as adults we simply should not cry - especially not in public.   So, I was resisting it so much.  Once I finally let it out, along with all of the emotions wrapped up with the tears (fear, sadness, old hurts, disappointment, etc.)....I felt so much better.  The next morning I was very tired in yoga class, but as the day went on I slowly felt better and better.  I felt great the rest of the week.  It was as though a burden had been lifted.  Sometimes in the moment, it is hard to understand the nuances of what has just happened.  I'm sure as time goes on, more will be revealed.  Right now, it feels like a lightness has been uncovered.  I was able to make it through the next few days of posture clinics without tension or anxiety.  I had a new freedom from worry and it felt great!  For those of you who know me, it may be an understatement to say that I think a lot.  I am always in my head.  So this experience was a tremendous release.  Really wonderful.  If you're holding back a meltdown, I highly recommend just letting go.


You're Not Sick, You're Scared
We had only two lectures all week.  Our lectures were given by Jon Burras, a body worker, yogi and wholistic healer.    Jon talked about the impact of stress on our lives.  He spoke about the keys to healthy aging and why most of us age prematurely and end up in disease.  Jon believes that we live in a perpetual state of stress caused by "imagined beliefs" and that this is the primary cause of illness.  In his opinion, illness starts in the mind, when we believe imagined, fear based, scenarios like, "if I'm late, I'll die" or "if I lose my money, something tragic will happen" "if I'm not good, people won't love me" or "if I don't do this or that, people will see me as weak"....all these imagined thoughts, keep our bodies in a perpetual "fight or flight" response.   Even those of us who work out regularly and are considered "fit" are still in a perpetual fear state.  What we really need in life is to learn to relax - to turn off our stress response that is running 24/7.  He also spoke about the importance of fascia (connective tissue) in the body and how it integrates our whole physiology.  He believes that fascia is where pain from both physical and emotional injuries are stored in the body.  By working with our fascia through yoga or other body treatments, we can release stored pain and stress.  He explained that this is why yoga is such a powerful healer.  No other exercise moves fascia (releasing old pain and fear) and helps us learn to relax, like yoga.  


Amazingly, his messages came at the same time of my breakthrough.  I have to say that after this week, I really understand what he is saying.  Learn to relax, enjoy the moment you are in, stop resisting, take breaks, release old wounds, practise yoga...oh, yes, and one more...don't believe the thoughts in your head... these are the keys to true wellness, health and peace.


Namaste

Hotel room living...

Week 5

Well, Week 5 was a tough one, so this will be short post today.  This past week we moved very quickly through our posture/dialogue clinics.   Friday, we did three postures in one day!  The pressure is on to learn as many as possible this weekend, in preparation for the week ahead.  


I've heard that Week 5 is a hard week, generally.  We are at the halfway point and we are all tired.  Last Monday was especially hard for me...probably the hardest day so far both mentally and physically.  I just wanted to go home.  I felt so "over" all of this yoga training!  Here's a snapshot of what it was like to be in my head:

"Why did I think this yoga was so amazing?  These people are really strange.  I can't stand being with so many people any more.  I need more sleep.  I'm so sore.  I'm too old for this.  I want to go home.  I miss Baci!  You can't go home now.  You spent a lot of money on this program.  You have to at least finish it.... besides, you quit your job.  You can't go back.  Oh ya, I quit my job!   Oh no, I don't know my dialogue for tomorrow!   This is too hard.  How am I going to learn it all!   I'm so behind already...."  etc, etc, etc

That was Monday.  I made a point of writing in my journal every day in an attempt to settle myself and drop the negative self-talk.   I kept reminding myself to let go of the anxiety.  Just let it go.  You don't need it.  Gradually, I started to feel better.  By Thursday morning it was almost gone.  It popped up again today and I observed that it is at it's worst when I am really tired.  So, tonight I need to go to bed early.

Emmy Cleaves with students after yoga class

The highlight of this week was our lecture from Emmy Cleaves.  As I mentioned before, Emmy is Bikram's most senior teacher.  She is 86 years old and looks better than most 70 year olds.  She is an inspiration.  She taught two really tough yoga classes this week and gave a lecture on Thursday afternoon.  Her lecture focused on physiology and yoga.  It was so great.  I could listen to her all day!  She explained the principle of "Lock the Knee" in Bikram yoga and how to do it properly (without damaging the knees).  She spent quite a bit of time on how our lifestyle damages our bodies.  Sitting, in particular, is the main problem.  From young age, our children sit for hours and hours at school and then at home in front of the TV or computers.  As we move on in life, we get office jobs, drive around in cars and watch more TV.  She explained how this damages the spine and impacts the whole body.  This is why so many people find the yoga painful.  In yoga, we are retraining and reversing years and years of poor posture, muscle atrophy and negative patterning in the body. The good news is that Emmy believes it can be improved and, in some cases, reversed.  It takes hard work....but it can be done.


This part is for all of my Bikram Yoga friends out there.  Squeeze your butt more and harder during class!!!  During Emmy's and Bikram's classes this week, there was a theme that came through..."Squeeze the Glutes!"  Emmy explained how all of our sitting has caused our largest muscle, the gluteus muscles to become extremely weak.  To safely execute most of the postures, you need to really squeeze your glutes.  Bikram demonstrated his squeezing abilities (It was pretty funny.  You had to be there.)  and told us that we have to squeeze them really tight during Pranayama Breathing and Half Moon.  He said that no one was squeezing tight enough!  Similarily, in Emmy's classes this week.  She focussed on squeezing the butt, especially in Backbending, Standing Bow and Balancing Stick.  Over and over this week....Keep your butt tight!  Squeeze your Glutes.  So, for all of my Bikram Yoga Friends....to quote Emmy, "you have to bring mindfulness to your butt and squeeze it" more during class.  Try it and let me know how you make out.

Earlier this year, my dear friend Eva gave me a book called Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the Path to Freeing your Soul by Melody Beattie.  One of the messages this week was to not be afraid of making mistakes.  When I was feeling particularly low, these words were so helpful.  Thank you, Eva.

Inspiration corner in my room

Week 4 - Lessons in Love and Healing

"This is Where the Magic Happens"

Our Hot Yoga Room - Look at the Chandeliers!

Healing Yoga
It is hard to believe that I have been living in this hotel, doing this intense training, for a month!    Many days I have felt homesick and sad.  A month is a long time to be away from home.  I miss my little dog, Baci!  I am starting to feel tired and my body is reminding me of it every day!  There are also wonderful moments, new friendships and new lessons learned.


Rajashree (Bikram's wife) says that Week 4 is the time when all of the stored emotions come out and old injuries surface in the body.  Well, was she ever right!  I have felt like crying almost every day.  In one yoga class, she asked how many people have cried in class?  "Is there crying?"  (My hand went up...along with about half of the room.)  "Good!"  She says, "Let the crying come out.  It is good for you.  This is stored pain from the past."  The she asked how many people feel anger during the yoga?  At least a third of the room raised a hand.  "This is good" she says.  For most people, it is hard to understand how anger or crying in yoga class would be a good thing.


Rajashree was right about old injuries, as well.  Working 20 years in an office, at a desk job has taken a toll on my neck, shoulders and hips.  This past week, my shoulders have been really bothering me.  It feels like there is a hot poker in my left shoulder blade all day!  One class, the pain was so intense, that I had to sit out the postures that require lifting your arms up in front of the body or over head.  (This is almost the whole class!)   Emmy Cleaves told us that the "Stress Monkey" likes to sit on the shoulders.   So, I knew that this was not an injury.  I was experiencing years of old stress (and maybe a little new stress).  Although I knew that I didn't have to worry about it...it still bothered me every day this week.  The pain felt real (and still does) to me; my muscles were tight, tight, tight!  


As I mentioned earlier, Bikram has been away for a couple of weeks.  He returned to teach one class on Thursday.  I was concerned, because my shoulder was at its worst that morning.  How was I going to make it through a Bikram class?  There was no way that I could just lie down or not lift my arms in Bikram's class!  (I have heard him shout and yell at students from the podium.  I did not want that to be me!)  Just class started, a thought came into my mind:  "Bikram would heal my shoulders and I would be fine."  I'm not sure where this thought came from, but it transformed me in the moment.  This was just emotional/mental pain...not an injury, so it could be released through yoga.  Amazingly, we started the breathing exercise (which all week had been so painful) and I didn't feel any pain at all.  It seemed that there was only one point of focus from Bikram.  "Lift the chest."  Over and over...."Lift the chest!"  No pain in my shoulders.  I completed the whole class...no pain.  It was one of our hottest classes, too.  Students were leaving the room and visiting teachers were dropping like flies...everyone was dying from the heat.  I didn't feel a thing.  I felt great.  I was free of pain.  I had a great class.  


Things like this are very hard to explain.  How does a middle aged woman with a tight, stiff body and chronic shoulder pain make it through a HOT Bikram class, while amazing yogi's all around...with beautiful, young, strong, flexible bodies...just collapse under the heat?   Was this Bikram's Yogic healing power or was it my mind believing and letting go?  Maybe a bit of both?  A wonderful experience either way.  Don't get attached to the pain.  


(The pain returned in the evening lecture...but not as intense as before.  Just a dull ache now.  I feel that I can ignore it...let it go...it will pass or not.)


Lessons in Love

John Salvatore

Each week, I experience so many wonderful lessons that it is hard to share them all.  I try to pick just one or two of the most important to me each week.  This week, another important moment was again in the hot room!   The magic always happens in the yoga room!  We had an amazing visiting teacher, John Salvatore.   John is famous in the Bikram world and on Broadway.  He owns his own Bikram yoga studio in New York City and is currently starring the in the Broadway musical "Jersey Boys" in Las Vegas.   He flew in for a day and taught a fabulous class for us.  Other than Bikram, I would have to say that John is the best teacher I have ever had!  An inspiration!  He started our class by talking to us about love...about sharing love with each other in class and throughout the day...supporting each other with love.   


That very morning, I was feeling quite annoyed with everyone.   I was especially annoyed with the guy beside me in class.   While I went out of the room for a minute, he moved my mat!   I came back and my mat was in a completely different place.  (This was not the first time this had happened)  He moved it so that he could have a better spot in front of the mirror.  Now, I had the spot with the cracks in the mirror and my mat was about two inches away from my neighbour.   Then, John Salvatore came in the room with his speech about love and this amazing, energetic, funny, inspirational class.  About half way through class, I looked over at the guy beside me and our eyes met in the mirror.  My anger was transformed.  I felt totally different about him.  The anger disappeared and I felt so much love for him.  How could I ever have been mad at him for moving my mat?  It seemed so crazy.  Everything changed in that moment.  We smiled at each other and I felt love for him.  I felt so much love for everyone in the room.  Thoughts are powerful.  Transform your thoughts and you'll transform your life.


I am watching our many guest teachers and thinking about what kind of teacher I will be.  One thing I know for sure....I want to be a teacher that teaches from a place of love.  I want to remind everyone to be kind to themselves, to learn to love themselves and from there...they can love everyone around them.

My New Friends: Kat and Jane, from the UK

Today will be a day of studying for me.  There is a lot of pressure during the week to memorize the dialogue.  I want to make sure that I don't start the week behind in things.  We also have our Anatomy final tomorrow morning.  I am so happy that Anatomy is almost over!  (I did okay on our last test, so I have more confidence about tomorrow's exam.)  I'm hoping today will be a nice sunny day so that I can sit outside and study.  One thing that is nice about being in LA is the weather!  Gorgeous weather.


Much Love....Namaste

Week 3

A special visitor, Pepper, came to our Posture Clinic this week. 

Posture Clinics
We are now in full swing which means this week was all about Posture Clinics.  Each day we split up into smaller groups (about 40 people in a group) and practiced teaching a posture.  This meant that we had to have the Bikram dialogue for at least one posture memorized each day.  This week we did Back Bending, Hands to Feet, Awkward (3 parts), Eagle and Standing Head to Knee poses.  For most people, this is a lot to memorize - especially when so fatigued and working within such very tight schedules.  The only time to work on the memorization is early in the morning before our first yoga class or on our meal breaks.  Needless to say, it is quite stressful for most of us.


Wednesday was a tough day for me.  I woke up feeling quite anxious because I had to do "Awkward Pose"  and I was having trouble keeping the second and third parts straight in my mind.  I kept mixing things up.  On top of this, our schedule kept changing this week.  I was very anxious that I wasn't going to be at the right place at the right time.  I was so distracted that I forgot to sign in for yoga class!  For those of you who don't know about Bikram teacher training, it is run like a bootcamp.  Lots of rules.  One rule is that if you miss a class or are late or forget to sign in before class....you have to do a "make up" hot yoga class on Saturday.  (Back to back to our regularly scheduled Saturday morning class)


I was really upset when I realized what I had done.  All I could think about was how bad that Saturday class was going to be because I was already so tired.  I was pretty ticked at myself.  Then, when I got into my posture clinic that evening, I found out that I was in the classroom that requires us to do dialogue from up on stage using a headset microphone!  This is so much harder and added to the stress of saying a posture I wasn't comfortable with yet.   I wanted to cry.  But, I just pulled myself up and got up there and did it.  It wasn't bad but it wasn't good either.  I was big bundle of nerves.  When we finally got to bed that night I was exhausted.  I couldn't imagine how I was going to make it through 6 more weeks of this training.


The next morning, I was surprisingly calm.  I realized that I had caused all of my own pain and had exhausted myself.  By worrying about what might happen later in the day (and imagining it to be much worse than it actually was) I was not paying attention to the present moment.  In this calmer state, I could see that by imagining the worst about what "might" happen, I messed up the present moment.  I also created mental stress for myself that wasn't necessary.  So, I have decided that I will do my best to accept each day for what it is and not worry about the next class or the next day or the next posture.  Just be present and stay with the moment, as it is right now.  When it feels bad to me or I feel myself getting anxious, I will just watch and observe how my body is reacting.  No judgement, just observe.  Stay in the moment.


Anatomy Lectures
Our lectures this week have been focussed on Anatomy.  Not my favourite subject.  I understand that as yoga teachers, we need to have a good understanding of the body and how it works...but I can't say that I enjoy learning it.  (Did I mention that I have a degree in English Literature?)  Oh...the time passes so slowly and I have such a hard time listening!  I have to admit that we have an excellent teacher, Dr. Preddy, who is an ER doctor and a professor.  He is very entertaining and has a talent for making complex information accessible for us non-medical people.  Still, I will be happy when we are done with the Anatomy section of the training.  


Yoga Training 

Taking 11 yoga classes a week (12 this week for me!), plus doing more postures during our clinics is having a big impact on everyone's body.  Lots of aches and pains.  Most people have reported having strange food/drink cravings.  If you were vegetarian before, you now crave meat.  Some people now can't eat meat.  Random cravings for olives, pickles, chips...anything salty has been widely reported.  The most popular craving is for Coke or Sprite.  I have been craving Sprite!  Those of you who know me well, know that I almost never drink pop.  I can't remember the last time I had a Sprite (maybe in High School).  Suddenly, all I can think about during Anatomy lecture is having a Sprite... almost every day.  So funny!   


I am also becoming more like Bikram, who says that he eats only once a day.  Bikram says that yoga feeds the body more energy than food.   I have to say, that after three weeks of this training, I agree.  Most days, I usually have a smoothy (protein shake) after the morning class and then one meal after our evening yoga class.  In between, I just nibble on trail mix or a granola bar when I have a spare moment.  Strangely, I am fine eating this way.   So, as long as I feel okay...I'll keep going with it.


We had a wonderful lecture on "Pain" from Emmy Cleaves this week.  I loved it!  So interesting.  She talked about pain and typical pains that are experienced in yoga.  She talked about the difference between discomfort or stretching sensation and true pain ("pain, pain" as she calls it) which is warning that an injury may happen.  She also touched on psychological pain and self induced, stress pain that manifests in the body...most often in the back.  (Boy, can I relate to that this week!!)  I could have listened to her lecture all day!  I hope we hear more from Emmy again.


In Bikram's absence, we have had his wife, Rajashree teaching our evening hot yoga classes.  Although they are still challenging, they are lovely.  She has such a sweet, kind and loving approach to teaching yoga.  So different from Bikram!  You can feel her love when she comes in the room and she shares such compassion for everyone who is missing home and their families.  She also reassures everyone that the struggles we are going through are normal and tries to help us us "let go".  She encourages us to use our minds differently...to see the positive instead of the negative.  So lovely.


I have to wrap up for this week.  My roommate Brittany is helping me study for our Anatomy test tomorrow, so I have to sign off now.   Brittany says that it is going to be fun!   Hmmm, I'm not so sure.


Much love to everyone.  


Namaste.