Be Here, Now

I haven't posted much lately.   Mostly because I can't think what to write about.  All of my own experiences seem so jumbled at the surface that I keep waiting for things to "sink in" more before I write.  Maybe then I will know what to say.   On the other hand, I keep getting messages to "share myself"and requests to continue writing this blog.  This always surprises me....the idea that people want to read about my experiences.  To me, my life is rather ordinary and often mixed up...or messed up, depending on your outlook on things.  I have taken a zigzag path through most of my life.   


Teaching Update:

I am teaching about 8 classes a week.  I am also working desk hours at the studio Monday to Friday.   When combined, I am working about 36 hrs a week...which is pretty much full time hours.  One very big "perk" of the job is that I get to bring little Baci to work with me!  I am getting in about 4 classes a week for myself.  I prefer to take class 5 or 6 times a week, but sometimes my teaching and work schedule make it too difficult.  Being a new teacher, I still find teaching a challenge.  On days when I teach a double and work desk hours in between, I find it is too much to practice as well.  Perhaps, eventually in the future, as I become more comfortable with teaching, I will be able to do that.  For now, I just go home and rest.


I'm taking a break from studying my dialogue as well.  I read it over every now and then, but I've let go of the more serious studying of the dialogue for a while.  Instead, I am focusing on being really present in the room during class and keeping the energy and command up while teaching.  Sometimes my teaching can get a bit "soft" so I am working on my voice and providing the right energy to pull people through class.  As Bikram says, "A dead battery cannot jump start another dead battery."  


Since completing Teacher Training, almost every day has been a mental challenge for me.  I never imagined this outcome!  I really thought that Teacher Training would be so enlightening, invigorating, transformative and energizing that I would come out just "knowing" what to do next.  I would be ready to forge ahead into my yoga life and my studies.  Instead I feel uncertain...questioning...a bit lost.   For me, I have come up against another zig or zag...I'm not sure which. 
The Lesson:

The lesson that is unfolding is to work on staying present in the moment, every day.  Not getting ahead of myself, thinking and worrying about the future.  Just allowing each day to unfold and to be really in the moment that I'm in instead of worry about tomorrow or next month or next year.  It is a really bad habit/pattern that I have developed of always thinking about what is next....the next thing I should be doing or preparing to do.  Instead, I believe this time is unfolding to help me "just be" here, right now.  

Right now, I am here to teach, learn and live yoga. I have time and space to read, meditate, write in my journal and learn more about all aspects of yoga (there are 8 limbs of yoga).  Such a special time, really. What an amazing opportunity!  Getting up every morning, doing my meditation, walking to the studio, opening up the facility, getting the room ready, welcoming everyone as they come in and then teaching them 90 min of real, authentic, hot yoga is the most rewarding experience.   


Everything in life feels better when we help others.  Bikram himself said this at teacher training.  This is what his guru taught him.  When we make other people happy....when we serve and help others...that is where our true happiness lies...we become happy.   Whenever I feel myself getting caught up in concerns about my future, I try to bring myself back to this over and over.   

Namaste,


Colleen


The beautiful Marlon McGann came to Ottawa and taught a couple of amazing classes for us.  Marlon is a senior teacher who worked side by side with Bikram at Head Quarters for over 25 years.   For the first time since being home from Teach Training, I felt joy practicing again.  Thank you, Marlon.

It's All in Your Head

Okay...are you ready for this one?  I've had a powerful moment of realization that all of my problems, difficulties, frustrations, and bad moods...are due to my own thinking.  Nothing more...nothing less.  Hmmmmm.  That's a tough one.


Of course, I've heard other people say this before....Byron Katie, Michael Singer, Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer....but until now, it was something I read about but hadn't honestly understood and believed whole heartedly myself.   It couldn't really all be in my head!   Some of it must really be about someone or something else.  Right?


I was in class the other day and feeling pretty irritated by basically everything.   My body hurt so I was frustrated that I was given this tight, totally inflexible body.   "I want one of those beautiful flexible bodies that can do a gorgeous Standing Bow or Standing Head to Knee!!!"  "I want strong knees so I can do Toe Stand again!"  Then I started getting irritated at the environment in the room...one minute it was too hot the next minute not hot enough...when would she turn on the fans.  I'm sure you can guess what came next...the teacher.   She was irritating me with all of her "motivational" and "educational" talks during class!  I did not want to hear it!  Okay...now that's when I realized...it was all ME.  I know that every single teacher at Bikram Yoga Ottawa loves Bikram yoga, loves teaching and really loves helping the students....so if I was irritated...it was my own fault.  Now in the past, I would normally just try to block out the thoughts....resist them, or have a conversation with myself about why my thoughts were wrong....etc.  But this time it was different.  Right there in the middle of class, it occurred to me that I was uncomfortable (and of course, I was supposed to be...this is Bikram Yoga after all) and my mind was trying hard to find a solution or a way out or anything other than facing the fact that my body was uncomfortable in that moment!   It was so simple!   So I settled down and recognized that every time an irritated thought came into my head it was just my brain trying to sort out this environment I was in.  I didn't need to listen to it.  I just lovingly noticed what it was doing and brushed it aside.  Focus on the posture, focus on my breath, and focus on myself in the mirror.


I also had the realization that this was a perfect example of what happens in my own life as well.  When I am in an uncomfortable or unusual circumstance that doesn't feel "good" to me, my mind rushes around trying to blame someone (usually myself) or something in an effort to make the feeling go away.  Moving to Ottawa has given my mind plenty of opportunities to be "uncomfortable" so you can imagine what's been going on inside my head!  LOL  

Just one moment in Bikram yoga allowed me to see this.  It was a there in a flash but so profound.  You can read about it and people can tell you about it, but for me, until I actually "experience" it for myself, it is not truly understood. This morning I was listening to a CD by Michael Singer.  Michael is a yogi who wrote the book "The Untethered Soul" which is one of my top 10 recommended books.  In the series of CD's, Michael gives a lecture on the book and the major themes.  (He is not reading from the book)  This morning I randomly listened to one of the CDs in which he talked about going through the stuff that is hard for us, that makes us uncomfortable, that irritates us....because that's where our next area of growth or breakthrough lies.  These are areas where we are blocked.  It is our work to "unblock" those areas.   It is not our purpose to stay protected and comfortable in a little cocoon.  By reaching out to experience those areas of our lives that are uncomfortable...is how we reach to the next level of our own journey toward transcendence and peace.  This helped me so much.  It was a direct correlation to the experience I had in yoga.  It helped me remember that all of this "stuff" that I am going through right now is good!  It is the stuff I need to work on.  I don't need to get all caught up in the story in my head or try to resist it or run away from it.  So cool.  Thank you Michael Singer!!

If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend that you give it it a try.  If it is not the right time for you, that's okay too.  But, you'll never know unless you give it a try.
Chapters - Untethered Soul
Amazon.com - Untethered Soul

I'm off to the studio to do some work, take a class and then teach a class later on this evening.  What a life.


Namaste,


Colleen