Sometimes Happiness Sometimes Sadness - Part II

Bikram Yoga Ottawa is just steps away from this corner

I've been struggling to write this blog since finishing Bikram Teacher Training.  I'm not sure why...I just did not feel motivated to write at all.    What could I possibly write about and who would want to read it?  Lots of people are interested in Bikram Teacher Training.  I understand that...but the day to day life of being a teacher and a person struggling to find a new way of life....not so exciting.    But, friends encouraged me to keep writing because perhaps someone else is thinking about making a big life change and would be supported or inspired or something.  


For the past three weeks here in Ottawa, I have been unsettled and frustrated.  I just can't seem to accept where I am and what I am doing.  I feel so much resistance.  Resistance against the city, my choices, everything.  Then, a realization came to me.  Moving to Ottawa feels just like a continuation of Teacher Training.  I didn't expect this...but it is.  I am all over the place emotionally.  Happy one minute; really down the next.  Energized and passionate about yoga....then tired, sad and utterly lost about everything else.  My dear friend and spiritual life coach, Lori Pinnell said.  "Didn't they tell you...the real work begins after teacher training."   This is when we are challenged to implement the learning.   A time of living the work.   Teacher training was a tough experience, so if I am to start living the hard work of training....this is going to be interesting!! 
I Love Bikram Yoga!

I LOVE teaching Bikram yoga!  It is truly an amazing experience.  I never imagined it would be this great.  Just being in the yoga room teaching is a healing experience.  It gives me that same light, calm, peaceful, slightly tired feeling I have after practising for 90 min.  The "after glow" is very similar.


The best part is watching the students!!   They work so hard...sometimes being totally focussed and connected (mind, body, spirit) - so inspiring.  Sometimes they are struggling, frustrated, grunting, sighing, fanning themselves....talking to themselves in their head.  I can totally relate to it all and want to tell them it will be okay...."don't worry, honey."   I can almost hear the conversation going on inside their heads ("I want to get out of here....it is too hot...this teacher is so annoying...I have so much work to do when I get home...my back hurts, I hate Triangle Pose, it is too hot....I can't breath!" etc., etc.)  After Teacher Training, I am much more sympathetic to how they are feeling and what they are experiencing.   


The most gratifying aspect of the teaching is when people want to talk about the yoga, or a breakthrough they had in class or simply ask questions.  I love the sharing.  I want to hear stories about how other people came to Bikram Yoga and hear the passion in their voices.  I also enjoy reassuring people that whatever they are experiencing is completely normal and it is good for them!  I try to encourage people not to resist, fight or judge it.  Just observe and accept whatever is happening each day.  Easy to say...not easy to do.
Easy to say...Not easy to do

Sparks Street, Ottawa

I have been telling myself the same advice.  Don't resist, fight or judge.  Just observe and accept life each day. Trust.  Hmmm, well easy to say....


The move to Ottawa has been hard for me.  Everything is so different.  The city, the "East,"  my daily schedule...everything is upside down.   It all feels so different from BC.  I do not feel at home.  Some days, just walking the city streets feels so disconnecting.  I've been in Ottawa for weeks now.  Still feel like I'm visiting.


I know that it is not the city.  It is the fact that I have left everything that is familiar about my life.  The structure and pressure of a corporate job.  I have worked so hard for so many years that it feels strange not to get up every morning and do just that...."work hard"!!  I almost don't know what to do with myself!  Learning to relax is not easy.  Years of programming has to be de-programmed...and it takes time.  


There is also the fear of letting go of the perceived security of it all, too.  The regular paycheque, benefits, pension, prestige...free wine!  Some days it feels like I'm free falling.  The fear of it all just overwhelms me.  I worry that I've made poor choices.  I know that sometimes I am just plain tired.  Whenever I am tired, fear and doubt creep in.  Claire has encouraged me to accept that I am tired and rest more.  She has been such a good friend...allowing me to be low energy and sad sometimes.  


So, I try to be present and not push away the experiences.  I am trying to develop trust in myself too.  Lori reminded me that I can choose how I want to be an any moment.  I thought about it and I believe that it cannot be by suppression.  Whatever is going on in us has to be transformed.    Yoga, meditation, mantras, nature, helpful books, gurus, guides.  The list is quite long.  We have to choose to use these things.


Love, joy, peace and acceptance. 


Namaste
P.S.  Today I came across this quote on Facebook.  So timely.

"The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances.  ~Victor Frankl

 

Kids tagging a wall at the "dog park" by my place